Dealing With Difficult People

We've all dealt with difficult people in our lives. It's part of being human. For whatever reason, there are people who we just can't seem to get along with.

It seems this problem has been happening ten fold lately in my life. It has actually been pretty difficult and challenging for me and quite a burden. Why do these people who treat me so poorly have to be a part of my life? I have felt strongly that there is a lesson for me in all this, so I've spent a lot of time praying for help. The only problem was, I didn't really know what to ask for specifically. "Please help me get along with so and so." Um... think it could get any more vague than that? That's not how the Lord works. We would never learn anything if he just fixed everything for us without any effort on our part. So, I went in search of answers.

Since I can't see a therapist for free (I'm not kidding, I would totally see one) I decided the next best thing was self-help books. I researched a few of them, and by researched I mean I saw them on websites and thought "That looks perfect!" and ordered them on amazon without any further thought. I started one book, which I'm sure I'll review later after I finish it, but then changed to the second book I ordered:

Due to my lack of research, there were a few things that caught me off guard from the beginning, but were actually very beneficial:
1. This book is written by a female minister who started her own church called Church 4 Chicks. That worried me at first, but it actually turned out to be awesome. She doesn't teach anything that isn't consistent with the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. So really, it was like getting advice from the scriptures and a church leader. Other than her talking about her call to the ministry ;)
2. She wrote this book specifically for women, dealing with other women. That was very helpful because men generally don't have the same kind of catty, impossible-to-like-anyone-around-them-attitude that every woman possesses.
3. The book smelled AMAZING! I love the smell of new books. I couldn't stop sniffing it. I think that's a major contributing factor to why I finished so fast, I couldn't get enough of the smell.
4. It's also a work book. She asks deep questions that make you search yourself and your relationships and gives you places to brainstorm solutions, ideas, and feelings.

I LOVED this book. Ho-ly-COW! It was exactly what I needed. The gist of both books is that you can't change what anyone else does or how they treat those around them, but you can change yourself and your actions. Shelley's book put it on a deeply religious light and provided 6 specific steps we can take to better ourselves and our relationship with God to be free of bad relationships having any control over us. I planned to write a little summary of the 6 steps but I think I'll let you read the book and take that initiative. Instead, I wish to share my feelings on how it helped me.

Like any woman on this planet, I've struggled with some of my relationships in life, whether it be with family, friends, co-workers, church leaders, etc. I've had my fair share of pain and experienced a lot of mistrust. I've been treated poorly. I've been bullied. I've been used. I've had people compete with everything I do. And I've held on to those feelings and they have been rotting inside me ever since. Don't get me wrong, I haven't sat and festered over them while sharpening my pitch fork and planning revenge, but I have held poor views of the people involved and have avoided them when possible. Haven't we all? Don't we all? I think most of us prefer to avoid awkward situations and confrontations whenever possible.

But this book has helped me let go of that. It has helped me forgive. Through bettering my relationship with my Savior and realizing that I am a daughter of God and He loves me, no matter what I do or what anyone else thinks or says, I can overcome any situation without scars. I'm proud of who I am and the life Heavenly Father has chosen for me. It's tailored exactly to what I need in order to be the best I can be. Why would I want to compare it to anyone else? Their life was made for them, not me. And when we lose sight of that and start feeling inadequate, we begin to compare ourselves to others and that's when the claws start to come out and we have trouble getting along with each other.

I've learned a powerful lesson this week. I've learned that it doesn't matter if someone doesn't like me. It doesn't matter what they say behind my back or what they're really thinking behind their civil smile. Nothing they do can change who I am or bring me down. I am a daughter of God. I am secure enough in who I am to not care what the insecure and confused/lost souls think. It's my job to forgive them of their wrong-doings, stand up for myself when necessary, show them grace and mercy, and let God handle the punishments for their actions, because only He can see the whole picture and judge fairly. It's also my job to repent when I'm the one who causes harm to another - which I have done before and will probably do again, because we're all human and make mistakes - in order to better those relationships as well.

I've come to accept that everyone is different. Rather than feeling threatened or scared by the differences we see in each other, we need to embrace them! How boring would the world be if we were all the same? We each have different gifts and talents. We each have different trials we've faced and lessons we've learned. We can learn so much from each other. Too often we only seek friends who are just like us. I am guilty of that all the time. But the potential problem with that is we often share the same weaknesses and can unintentionally bring each other down. We don't learn about new things and new views on the world. We remain stuck in our little bubble; never changing and shutting out anyone who is different. I don't want to be that way. People who seem so different from me may have something wonderful to offer me. My goal is to let them have that chance.

I also solidified what I chose to do for one of my new years resolutions; to be a friend to the amazing friends I already do have, instead of trying to force friendships with people who clearly don't care. I spend a lot of time dwelling on the relationships that aren't working because they're the ones that hurt. It's a waste of time and takes away from those who do care. There was a saying in the book that I loved:

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." - Dale Carnegie 

Isn't that awesome? We get so wrapped up in trying to impress others and get them to like us. We think if we can showcase all our best features then we'll have friends lined up around the block. It's purely a selfish and insecure approach. They will see your good qualities in time. Those will not be near as impressive as a sincere and caring person would be. Who would you rather turn to for help, the person who brags about their yearly income? Or the person who listens to you, cries with you, and truly makes you feel loved? We can make so many friends and have so many rewarding relationships by being a good friend. I have an amazing army of friends around me. I know I can stand to be a better listener and a better friend and appreciate them instead of focusing on myself, and I'm going to strive to do that. And I'm going to be a friend to everyone. It doesn't matter the color of their skin, their profession, or if they like the same music I do. Heck, I don't care if they live in a cardboard box. I'm not that shallow and everyone needs friends, true friends, who will love and accept them for who they are.

I highly recommend you go buy this book and read it for yourself. Although the steps in the book will be a life-long learning process, I feel as though I am already on my way. My blinders have been removed and I can see that the opinions of others just don't matter. A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. My self-worth is not dependent on what people think of me. It's not dependent on what they say or how much pain they cause in my life. It's dependent on me and me alone and my relationship with the Savior. He loves each and every one of us individually and unconditionally. No one can take that away from us, so don't let them think they can. Don't let another single person have any control over you. It's how we can truly be free.